HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
