he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
