he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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