I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
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