tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
