I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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