WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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