My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
