My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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