what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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