i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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