She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He shit in the fireplace
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
