it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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