Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
