its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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