either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
how drunk are you?
Several
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
