when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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