Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
