After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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