i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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