i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
