Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just found puke in my bra..
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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