I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
