To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
