Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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