Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
