I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
