i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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