he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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