Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
