pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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