Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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