Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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