my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
