There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
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