so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
