he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
