Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
