Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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