You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
