wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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