Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
