just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I love having hate sex.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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