tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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