He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
