Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
