she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
