Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
