i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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