everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Is Oprah even human
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
