Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
