hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
